Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
