break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
