the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
