What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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