Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
