Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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