I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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