You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
