I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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