That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
