an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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