I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
