I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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