Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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