You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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