My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
