Yo dont text me then not text me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize