Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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