What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
