I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
