i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
