I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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