The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This toilet bowl is my home.
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