Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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