Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
