Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
