Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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