Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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