Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
