Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Boobs are out for the taking
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
