Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
