I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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