Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the day after is always just damage control
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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