I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
