1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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