k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
