My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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