She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
ttyl tear gas
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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