if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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