Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize