There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
