I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
