Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
