Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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