My friends, they love my intelligence
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
