Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
