What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
