That's intense
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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