barbara walters just said penis...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize