Soap is not a condiment
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
