he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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