I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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