i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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