I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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