Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
