Responsibility does not care about your dick.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
