goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
