I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
