He uses pillows to masturbate.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
