remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
