oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
