I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize