from now on my penis is your penis
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
