we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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