So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize