dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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