sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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