hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
why is half of my head shaved?
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