You smell like a Billy Joel song
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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