One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
