I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
